Magic Bush 2: The Bushening
{{NSFW}}
Magic Bush 2: The Bushening
by tapeworm1969
''Previously, on the Magic Bush.......
''
"A fucking strap-on vibrator? Really? You dolphin-sodomizing shopping cart filled to the rim with shit!"
"YOU MAY AS WELL BE MY BITCH DUDE"
"I'm doing this for a simple reason. At the end, there is a prestigious prize for beating the game. The shithead back there pays well. I finally achieved something in this game. But you surely want the reason why I've deceived you. It seems pretty fucking obvious, but I did it all for the nookie"
"Is this Mario Kart or fucking Wacky Races?!?"
“GET FUCKED BOY!”
''The epic story continues..........
''
3 rehab stints and a pregnancy scare after the skeleton incident.....
"Marty!!! Where the fuck are my Flintstone vitamins?!?" Rushing over to our crippled but lovable hero was his bitch boy Marty McFlatass. "What do you want, Emmy?", Marty calmly said. Our hero replied, "Did you just cal me Emmy? FUCKING EMMY?!? How many times did we go over this. I'm not that Doc. I do not have any bullet wounds from the goddamn Libyans. You were stupid enough to believe it was me. But, you were WRONG!!!! WRONG! WRONG! WRONG! That was a balloon that was with us, or you I should say that very night. Look at that plastic face. It doesn't even look like me in the slightest. Aging is a pain in the ass, and you're one to say you saved my life?"
Marty seemed confused. His pimp was ranting at him in such an unusual fashion. Almost in tears, Marty said weakly, "I went in your shitty car and ruined the space-time continuum to save you and a two-faced girlfriend who I tried to impregnate even though you said her tubes were tied? Are you fucking serious? What about the time where you played that stupid-ass Xzibit game and got attacked by a skeleton. You're lucky I killed it with your jizz jars."
The Doc looked furiously at him and said, "You killed the skeleton with my JIZZ JARS? Why? There were other things in my house that could've done a better job. Like the dogs, or the turbo canisters in the attic. Anything but jizz!"
Marty was still confused, as bitchy as usual. He asked, "Why aren't you glad I saved your life with jizz jars?"
The Doc was disappointed to tell him but went along and said, "He came back. I never expected him to come back. He told me to be a father. By that, he wanted my amazing physique. I turned him down and said that I had someone else in mind."
Marty, as inquisitive as I decided to make him, because this is my pasta and fuck you if you say otherwise, asked who was the new person. Doc, popping zits with a toothpick, stopped and calmly said who it was.
Marty gazed in disbelief. He wanted to know why he chased after this individual. He couldn't know why, he wouldn't understand. He feared rejection, especially from his pimp. He hasn't done anything like this since 1997. You could tell that the Doc was a total loser and he needed a life like super duper bad. Maybe it was a craving for wood. We'll never know. Either way, Doc never saw the light of day since 1997.
Knowing this, bitch boy Marty slowly bottled up his anger. He started murmuring to himself in the corner of Doc's bedroom. Feeling shame, he looks up at the walls and sees many dated things. Some of these things were gramophones, Laserdisks, a LJN Video Art, and finally, Marty's high school yearbooks. Marty felt as if the guy he hung out with was a creep. When he thought it couldn't escalate, he looked aside the yearbooks and saw some edited pictures of him and the Doc in swimsuits. Seeing this, he went downstairs by jumping until he broke through the floor under him.
''20 minutes and some leftover Alabama kush later....''
"Marty! What the fuck were you doing in my room. And why is there a hole in the ceiling where my room is? Bitch, you got some explaining to do," Doc snapped. Marty had a furious look in his eyes and decided to go along with this rage. as he was about to explain what he saw in Doc's room, he took a swift smack across the face. Doc was not in the mood for bullshit. "NEVER give me that face again, or I will make you suffer." Doc said in a tone that Marty must remember. "Tell me why there's a hole in the ceiling or you'll have a hole in your ceiling. Except for yours, it'll never get renovation."
Understanding the kind of threat that Doc was, Marty had to tell him about what he saw. "Why do you have edited pictures of us in women's swimsuits on a beach? I need some answers, man. I've known you for a long time and I feel that if you're keeping secrets from me, you're an insecure pile of shit that I actually thought that I could trust. But, after 30 actual years, you hide shit from me and transform me into your house slave. Tell me or I'll leave you to rot in your turbo chair!" Doc had to speak, because if he didn't, what Marty said was becoming true. So he reluctantly told, "One time in 1993, we were at this party and we got really really shitfaced. You were so drunk that when Jennifer tried to take you back for private fun, you passed out in her arms. Scared shitless, she sent you to me to check if you were still alive. Thank fuck you were, because what I did would've been morbid as hell. Anyways, when you sobered up, I bashed you in the head with an inflatable mallet. Then, I took your unconscious body with me to the surgeon down the street at the time to give us a quick sex change. We had a night of debauchery after that, well I did at least. We went to the beach in revealing swimsuits, drank ghost peppers with Chuck Norris, and got you to gargle the jizz of the legend."
Marty was tempted. "What legend made me gargle the marbles?", he asked. Doc told him softly, "It was.......
...NICOLAS CAGE"
He screamed frantically around the Doc's house like a schoolgirl that just met a stupid, mediocre boy band that society will forget within the next 10 years. Marty loved the thought of this, despite it alone shattered his heterosexuality. Realizing he had lost his ability to be a straight man that was also Doc's bitch, he stormed the house in tears. This was catastrophic for the both of them. Now they couldn't rant at each other about the most redundant topics, like fallopian tubes.
MEANWHILE, IN THE LAND THAT HUMANITY CALLED ALCATRAZ.....
"Hey, where can I learn to kill like that, Bikini Bottom?"
"Let's see if your dick will rip through me, asshole!"
"I came here for the nookie! Your nookie!"
Our glorious hero from the times of MTV was now locked up for manslaughter and 4 counts of murder. His luscious cornrows were now gone and his Super Saiyan powers were stripped. But, what he had left was his pride, a 9 mm up his ass, and someone calling his name. As he was just convicted and thrown into a seemingly deserted prison, he got a voice message from the Doc.
"If Xzibit is hearing this he must be assigned to do a task for me. I will pay quite handsomely, as long as you get the job done. There's a man, a runaway marooning the streets with his scrawny, bitchy aspect on life. His name, Marty McFlatass, and I have his account on Reichbook. Now you know another thing, he's a proud neo-nazi who will do anything to do the old Fuhrer's bidding. He is expected to be at a skinhead rally at 4 PM sharp at the Hill Valley City Hall. If you see this exasperated and emaciated pile of Legos, clean up his mess. Until then, I wish a good bidding on your part."
A separate prisoner had received the designated phone call, and called up his sidekick. A lean, more elderly person had taken the message and he has plans to bring his chuckling mutt. As he cut the phone lines, his trusty announcer returned from the land of obscurity that was in a chaotic game, featured in the pasta's prequel.
"It appears as if the phone lines are cut by these nasty, vile people....... I mean nice, friendly and conservative people. Same goes the lights all around the prison. The automated cell locks have broken due to the power outage and there is nothing but PURE carnage! Who could've done this? It was those wise-cracking double do-badders Dick Dastardly and Muttley!"
They broke out with a screwdriver, stabbing anything in their way. In the meantime, Xzibit was having problems of his own. As watchmen surrounded Xzibit, it appeared as if he was defenseless. Then, Xzibit murmured to himself, "Keep rollin', rollin' rollin' rollin'" and the most astonishing thing happened.
It was The Undertaker! He brought light to the cell hall with a treacherous lightning bolt. It brought light only to him and Xzibit, and allowed them to haul ass. One side was Xzibit, throwing fists at any guard that crossed his way. On the other side was The Undertaker, doing Old Schools off the second-floor guardrails and chokeslamming anyone into the pit he spawned from. As they realized that Undertaker was too powerful for them to comprehend one-by-one, they all moved to Xzibit and dogpiled him. The strength was too much for Xzibit, and the guards crushed him.
He died, he was truly dead. His painful demise shed a tear on any Magic Bush/Pimp My Ride fan. Even Undertaker was feeling drowsy over it. The guards, seeing Undertaker's grief as a weak point, attempted the dogpile on him, in hopes it could do the same. As Undertaker was slowly getting crushed, he used the last of his powers to call for two gravely requests....
His first request was assistance from his masked counterpart, Kane! Oh, Kane isn't masked anymore? Well fuck you, this is MY story and that Kane was awesome. So, Kane was spawned from Hell to help his brother. In his brother's fashion, he chokeslammed every guard he saw. The guards now had such divided attention that if they tried to focus on merely one target, they'd all be screwed. If they separated, the demise for every last guard would be even more painful. with a loss of focus, they scrambled for their lives.
His second request was to revive Xzibit with his old powers that were once stripped from him. Now Xzibit was back as a Super Saiyan. Super Saiyan Xzibit was deemed unstable and beyond death. Now he has been restored within life and the strength of another superbeing. Xzibit was pissed. His first instinct was to clone himself with his mind. He leveled the playing field for the guards. The odds were now even. Xzibit was slaying guards left and right. The orchestrated light of fury shone on Xzibit, and the light exhumed any enemies in his sight. The strange light around him lifted him up and out of the prison, where he could fly back to the mainland. For Undertaker and Kane, the prison was in their control.
With Xzibit, Dastardly and Muttley out as the lone survivors, they searched for Hill Valley. The target was near and turning back wasn't an option for any of them. They zoomed forward to Hill Valley with one thought on their mind: what chaos will follow them?
THE HUNTERS AND THEIR PREY.....
In Hill Valley, was a tempted Doc. He wandered about his home, building his strength through certain anguish. Rage had built him since his crippling incident in 1997, and it broke him down because of a certain hyperrealistic skeleton. His days were numbered and he needed assistance in some way. He called to assassinate the neo-nazi bitch boy, Marty. He couldn't do much, because he was rendered as immobilized. Marty stole the turbo-equipped wheelchair that Doc had accustomed to. Doc had a backup, which was an actual fucking wheelchair. With the actual wheelchair, he moved to his super secret basement to work on his new project.
Marty, feeling blissful, rode around in the turbo wheelchair like a boss. Down the street, past the movie theater, was the rally. He was nearing the time to rally the town to follow his word, and there was nothing anyone could do. The way he was to go in was through the ground, as if you haven't noticed, is the dumbest running gag in this so-called trollpasta. With Doc's revenge on his mind, he called onto his created drones, Jenni-drones. These drones are designed to kill Doc with his own prized possession, jizz. They have the ability to transform into anything that will scare or seduce him into the stiff morning glory most men go through at a constant basis. In other words, the drones will intensify Doc's sexual desire in a way that it will control his well-being and overtake him.
Unbeknownst to Doc, Dastardly and Muttley have traced his house. Entering the somber and humble California town, Dastardly and Muttley planned their cash grab. "So Muttley, I want you to listen good. This is a plan that will blow your mind so much that archaeologists will be picking up your brain matter 500 years from now. When we see the Doc, we'll tell him about Xzibit's 'death' in prison. We'll explain that we've taken his place as a bounty hunter. Trusting us, he'll lead us to the weekend rally. I'll guide him to the back bleachers so Marty doesn't spot him out and send his drones at Doc. You will scale the theater with a sniper and you'll take the Doc out. At the same time, I'll rig Marty's podium with a bomb from under the stage. When Marty does a "Sieg Heil!", he'll be blasted into oblivion. After they're both taken down, we'll end Xzibit for good. With no threats to us, we'll lead the neo-nazis into a sleek, prosperous victory. How does that sound, Muttley?"
Muttley head literally exploded as Dick said in his plan. But, since they're fucking cartoon characters from the counterculture, they're capable of cheating death at any time they desire. With that in mind, Muttley grew his head back and it spun up from his torso like a torpedo. He did his signature chuckle and moved on.
Above them was Xzibit, who was still flying away from Alcatraz. Overhearing their plans, he decided to teleport to Doc's backdoor. As Xzibit knocked on the door, he could hear Doc working on his new nifty invention. Patiently, Xzibit waited at the door until Doc looked outside his window and saw him. He opened the door and greeted Xzibit with open arms. Xzibit hadn't felt this much joy since the blowjob incident. Doc talked about how he played the game he made, and he said that even though he discouraged it, he enjoyed it because of Xzibit's presence. Xzibit loved to hear this and the ride-pimp grew a swollen, monster of happiness guarded by his speedo. Doc took notice and admired it for about 10 minutes. To ease Doc's mind, they did *censored for young elderly adults* to relieve the stress they both went through. Intensified, Doc started to feel weird and passed out. Xzibit was concerned, but relieved that he was still alive.
After a few hours of unconsciousness, Doc was given Super Saiyan powers from Xzibit. With this, he built his project to the finishing touch within seconds. "Let's see how long Marty can stand you," Xzibit said with a smirk on his face. With that in mind, he threw out the wheelchair and zoomed to the rally.
THE DEATH RALLY....
It was time for the rally to begin, and Doc managed to sneak a backrow seat. Xzibit waited and watched over him at the theater's roof. Marty was ready to do his speech, when he saw Muttley's sniper past his peers and drones. Weary, he sent out the drones to kill any threat, even if they're unarmed.
Dastardly used a nearby jackhammer and dug his way under the podium. As he was digging, he slowly neared to revealing his intentions.
"It seems as if Dastardly has gotten Hill Valley into a pickle. How will our favorite do-badders escape this?"
"Shut the hell up, random Wacky Races narrator that followed me to prison after I nearly died on that travesty you call Rainbow Road. You're as annoying as Muttley! I wish I could see your cartoon counterpart so I can erase him from the boards. God damn it!"
Meanwhile, Muttley scaled the theater with a sniper on his back. Xzibit saw him coming so he hid in the air vents. Muttley made his way across the rooftop with a sniper in his arms and pointed his rifle at the Doc. Xzibit broke open the vents, pulled them out, and smacked Muttley into space. His Saiyan strength aided him in ridding Muttley. Dastardly's plan was foiling in front of him. Now that Muttley was gone, who will eliminate the Doc?
Dastardly still managed to plant the bomb, because he trained in MGS games. HE wondered why he never heard Muttley fire the sniper, so he dug up behind Marty and saw Xzibit on top of the roof. Dastardly was begging for mercy, but Xzibit pulled out his 9 mm pistol at Dastardly. Pleading to see life before his own eyes, Dastardly wanted Xzibit's mercy. He couldn't stand to die now. Xzibit didn't console his rival's emotions and fired the bullet through Dastardly's skull.
Dastardly then reanimated and said, "Do you think a bullet will take me down?" Xzibit, confused on why his magnificent pistol didn't finish him, fired the whole clip. It was to no avail whatsoever. He even put paintballs to color Dastardly's weak points, but it failed too. Dastardly, smacked Xzibit to the ground and stabbed him senselessly with his mustache. He summoned the other Wacky Racers to make Xzibit into roadkill, and they ran over Xzibit. Car by car, Xzibit became more mangled. He had to summon powers he never reached before.
Marty and Doc noticed each other while watching the other battle and brawled. Marty sent the drones out but Doc cracked his knuckles and telepathically destroyed every last drone. At a last effort, Marty ran off. The Doc chased him through the town until Marty got hold of a tank. He said through the tank's automated speakers, "Who's the bitch boy now?" Doc replied, "It's still you. A tank won't do anything to me. Plus, there's no live ammo in the cannon so you deserted your supporters and peers. You try to kill your mentor, but who still has the upper hand? I do. And that slut of a girlfriend Jennifer, she'll never feel satisfaction under your pathetic chicken wing. She ripped your wishbones apart, and now everyone is digging into the meat itself. Give up and I won't force myself to kill you."
Insulted, Marty jumped out of the tank and pummeled Doc. He flipped Marty into the podium. Realizing his very own mistake, he wanted a quick death. Unexpected to hear this, Doc felt pressured to do the deed he sent Xzibit out for. He couldn't do it, and he promised to Marty to keep everything that happened in the past.
Holding off his enemy with one finger, Xzibit screamed "Sieg Heil!" and blew up the podium. Marty and Doc were caught in the blast, with flurries of wood and smoke consuming the air. "What a queermo," Xzibit said with his trademark smile. Doc shot up and asked, "Why'd you kill him?"
Xzibit said, "The section of this pasta is called the death rally, so I made it live up to the name. Also, I went Super Saiyan 2 on that bitch on my finger." Dastardly was thinking of any way to kill Xzibit, but Xzibit psychotically imagined a giant eraser into this twisted reality. What the eraser will do is up for decisions. It will... A - Kill Dastardly, B - Kill Dastardly, or C - Kill Dastardly. Make a wise decision. I wonder how hard this could be.
Dastardly was erased from history in the style of a child's imagination. The Doc and Xzibit had defeated Marty, the do-badders, the Jenni-drones, and prison guards. That was all thanks to their bond, and the summoning of The Undertaker. Wondering where they could go next, Jennifer (the real one) ran into Xzibit and was mind-blown by the package that he rocked. She dropped his pants and pulled a Samus. In this fashion, his hyperrealistic boner ripped through the back of her mouth and killed her, like Samus. Xzibit screamed, "Aww shit! Not again....."
THE EPIC EPILOGUE OF EPILOGUES THAT IS TOTALLY EPIC, YOU GUYS......
Doc went to retire to his home, and repaired the ceiling by freezing the leftover Alabama kush. With his Super Saiyan powers, he spun around the world so fast in reverse, that he went back and prevented 9/11. Labelled a hero, him and Xzibit went on to host Pimp My Ride together. After 3 seasons, they were burned out and so they used the leftover Alabama kush, since they went back in time and the hole in the ceiling never was there. By 2112, Doc and Xzibit found the Fountain of Youth, and drank so much of it that they'll remain their age 'till their days are over.
Through this, Samus was never killed from a massive blowjob on Rainbow Road and still is Xzibit's main lover. Xzibit pimped rides only for her on the show, and the game used her as a sidekick. Her games made by Nintendo still kick ass and Other M was never conceived. (Thank fuck for this timeline)
Jennifer was still with Marty, until he overdosed on crack in 1989. Jennifer moved on to be against crack, telling younger audiences that if you smoke crack, you won't be able to clean your crack. Since her anti-crack message pissed off parents across America, she lost her home from a riot. Homeless, she transformed into a tranny mouse that sells her crack at your local curb corner. In other words, she failed in life and became a hooker.
Dastardly and Muttley never tried to retaliate from failing Rainbow Road. They became Buddhists and have 23 children with the same spouse. Jennifer's got some competition if you know what I mean.
Undertaker became extremely pissed that the world has lost its violent trends. He chokeslammed Satan and took over Hell. With that, he created a Time Switch, which changes timelines. With this in mind, he reverted the world back to its chaotic mess as it was with Marty's rally death. In other words, Undertaker undid everything Doc and Xzibit did to better the world.
With the world in chaos, and Xzibit still facing challenges, there were more enemies to face. Some were light threats like Obamacare. Some were bigger like whoever will return next episode of the Magic Bush.
''NEXT TIME ON THE MAGIC BUSH......
''
"How do you survive dismemberment? That is fucking redundant!"
"Inhale my testicle sweat, nookie lover."
"There wasn't just one single Fred, let alone was he by himself."
"Where's The Undertaker when you need him?"
"We have to find the Time Switch, or anarchy becomes one with armageddon."
"Merry Christmas, shitlickers."
"Super Saiyan 3?!? It'll take years to develop that, you fucking madman!"
"Forget about Jennifer, she was a dopey cunt anyways."
"Doc, I swear to fuck if this isn't the last one, I'm chokeslamming myself to be Undertaker's bottom bitch."